Sleepless nights

I've had many of them lately, not sure why, the thoughts are just racing through my head at warp speed and won't let my brain rest...

Yesterday I forgot the PIN to my debit card. I sat in front of the ATM and stared, dumbfounded that I couldn't remember a 4 digit number that I created! Ultimately it locked me out of the system after multiple tries of the number I could have sworn was it. I had a vision of me being kidnapped and the kidnappers didn't believe me when I said I really forgot my PIN!!!! yes, I am crazy.

Being a parent is tough, special needs or not, we all know this. It's also filled with JOY and lets you be a kid again at times. Today I played hide and go seek with the boys for 20 minutes. Or at least until I ran out of "real" hiding places. Once I used the closet twice I knew the game was nearing it's end. Although Cameron would have done it forever.

The other night I sat down and wrote the following in a journal and I've decided to share it here:
I have not journaled in a long time, outside of the Blog. To be honest the Blog is more "informational" and updates. Seldom do I include my fears, feelings and tears. I share the proud moments, the successes and the hiccups along the journey. I don't share our true fears, the fears we have faced and the fear of the unknown.

As I sit here tonight and I hear Cameron and his Dad talking, laughing and trying to get Cameron to go potty I am amazed at my child. My little boy, who will be FOUR in May, 4? no way. The boy they told me might not survive, would be significantly handicapped, the boy who would need brain surgery among others, the boy I cried over for 3 straight weeks in a hosptial bed waiting for him to come. The boy who had over 20 people I never met witness his delivery waiting for the worst, the boy I never got to hold right after birth, the boy I had to leave at the hospital when it was time to go home.

This boy is a miracle, a joy, he has proved there is hope, there is a reason to keep fighting to make him all that he can be.

There are days when my heart aches for him, but tonight I hear this amazing little boy, this personality, and I love him and all that he is.

It's been a really long week in the most "typical" of ways. I juggle work, the kids, the daily grind. Who doesn't. I feel inadequate in so many ways. I am not able to give my best to anyone in this family, I am spread too thin, I am tired. Who isn't.

Cameron will one day get the official diagnosis of ADHD, among others I am sure. I am trying to get ahead of this and so many other things I know will come our way as he ages. I meet with the Doctors, the therapists, get him extra services, try new methods. They all tell me things to do, "get these books", "try these exercises", "try this brushing technique" "give him extra oral motor work before school" the list goes on...

And you know it's SO hard to follow through on it all. I can't get to half of these things in a week, much less a day.

Cameron has many needs, but he is also an amazing child, one I am blessed to have, and honored he calls me mom. One who tells Dad and Mom on a daily basis "You're my best friend". And you ours Cameron.

We are blessed in many ways, we will keep fighting and working hard and we will also take the time to be a family that just enjoys life with our two boys.

Christmas is days away and it promises to be a good one. Merry Christmas!!